Chinese Porcelain

Dread enters the pit of my stomach as another inevitable moment arises, when it’s time to “pay a visit” in a Chinese public facility.

“Nu cè suo zài ná lí ?” which nicely translates to “female rest room where is?”

More difficult to interpret however, is which feeling predominates in my thoughts? Is it the overpowering need to pass water or the apprehension about the state of the Chinese porcelain?
For those new to the experience, prepare yourselves for at least three culture shocks.

Culture shock number 1: No Paper!

Always have a supply of paper tissue about your person, as in China it is almost always NOT provided. How personal hygiene is catered for is a question left hanging in my mind.

Culture shock number 2: No bowl - Just Hole!

All be it porcelain, it’s a hole in the middle of a usually soaking wet floor that’s confined in a very tight space that then locks in an overwhelmingly putrid ammonia-like stench that makes your nostrils curl as you attempt to avoid inhalation. Heaven forbid, don’t make the mistake of placing any personal belongings on the floor, as God only knows what they’re likely to absorb!

Culture shock number 3: No Seat – Wet Feet!

Now for the how? Strategically place your feet on either side of the hole in the floor, lean forward pointing your rear end towards the ceiling as you crouch as low as you can manage in order to effect an accurate aim into the receptacle beneath. As you prepare to relax your bladder muscles to void, you’re also concentrating, making great efforts to ensure that your garments are well out of the way. Almost immediately you find yourself having to adjust the force of your flow because as the porcelain perceives this showering attack, it fights back with a vengeance and splatters your ejecting pee everywhere. Now I understand why the floor is soaking wet and also why there are splash marks round the ankles of your trousers!

As you reach for your tissue to wipe, don’t forget that it won’t flush away as the plumbing is always inadequate. This draws your attention to the disgusting, uncovered usually overflowing bin in the corner. English is probably inadequate to describe the visible contents of that particular receptacle but Chinese have a useful phrase, "Hu Flung Dung".

Verdict? Chinese Porcelain definitely NOT recommended.